Why do I let food have such a hold on me?
Why do I let pride and selfishness and laziness rule over me?
I was analyzing this evening because I felt so miserable with myself. I feel physically sick regarding the choices I made over the course of an evening.
One of our lovely aunts gave us some money to go out and eat. (And, in spite of what follows, i am so thankful for her generosity and thoughtfulness.) That always sounds like a great option to cooking at home.
I am the primary cook in our family. But cooking is hard. It requires effort – in planning, preparing, and presenting. Often, the reception from our kids makes all the effort ill worth it. So, when I let laziness win, or pride win (worrying more about the fact that my kids will not like what I cook), I jump at the opportunity to go to a restaurant.
Once I’m at a restaurant I am always tempted to eat badly. Food consumes way too much of my thought life. I don’t think I realized it as much until I went into mission work. When we travel as missionaries in other cultures and meet other Americans we often find our conversations drift to foods and restaurants that we miss.
It’s crazy. We can see God work a miracle in someone’s life and then still complain about the dinner. Wow, I’m realizing I’m just like the Israelites in the desert whining about manna and demanding meat. No wonder God got so angry. I really always thought it was amazing they could cross the Red Sea the way they did and see all that God did to bring them out of Egypt and then be such whiners. And, yet, here am I, chief whiner.
Anyway, right now I am lying on my bed with my belly feeling like it’s stuffed beyond its boundaries. Growing in all the wrong ways. I feel ill. And I am angry at myself. I ate horribly today and tonight and it is my fault alone that I am overweight. I hate it. I let my stomach be my god way too often.
And, in the spiral downward from laziness, to self-pity/pride, to gluttony, I find myself at anger, not just at myself. It can easily lash out to others when I feel this way. I grow impatient and discontent.
God knows me so well. He told me I must serve Him and Him alone to have an abundant life. When will I learn to apply this truth all the time?
God, forgive me for trying to find comfort in something other than You.